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Airplane Advice is Good Advice Too

So here I am, en route to Los Angeles with "Los Angeles" of course being the Spanish word for "strip malls”. No offense, Sharla, but I've never cared much for this city. If we can even call Los Angeles a "city". LA seems very suburban-esque to me. I much prefer the energy of my city, which is a real city. But the weather here is always lovely so I'll give you that.

I thought I'd take this travel opportunity to give Jon some free (and sorely needed) life advice. The guy is clearly at a crossroads and I don't doubt that the advice offered him by his various vendors (i.e., lawyers, agents, PR firm, girlfriends, babysitters/models, etc.) is anything but self-serving.

Jon, I'm taking the time to do this not because I am stuck on a cross-country flight but because you seem abjectly miserable, horribly confused and completely clueless.

On one hand, we have you pandering to the paparazzi wearing 'Lies Lies Lies' t-shirts at your kid's charity lemonade stand, butt-buddying with Michael Lohan in the Hamptons, and hosting Las Vegas pool parties amidst a bevy of personal floatation devices. On the other hand, you repeatedly tell other tabloids and media outlets that you feel like you're living in prison and wish you had a 9-5 job. Pardon our confusion.

Don’t thank me for these numbered points, Jon. Thank today’s really long plane flight.

1. Own your shit. You have only you to blame for your current malaise. Yeah, we get it. If you had to do it all to do over again, you would have done things differently. You would have made different choices. But you let it all get away from you, didn’t you, Jon? It was always easier to do nothing, wasn’t it?. Quit blaming everyone else because you didn't (and still don't) have your shit together. The sooner you realize it's actually YOU (and no one else) that you're angry with, the sooner you can move on with your life.

2. Own your shit (Part II). Slap a smile on your face and finish out that TLC contract without further controversy. Whether or not you enjoy that work is really quite irrelevant. You agreed to do it so own your shit (see Item #1). Unless you win the lotto, you still need to work somewhere (even if turns out that Kate and your 8 kids can support themselves). You can’t afford to get fired, Jon. Those midtown rents don’t pay themselves, buster. Normally I would encourage anyone who is so profoundly unhappy at work to quit and find something more fulfilling. Unfortunately, you have alarmingly few options for a 32 year old. Your skill set and work history is not only unimpressive, it screams "high maintenance, "troublemaker" and ‘hopeless malcontent.' You need to change that perception immediately or you'll forever find yourself working in dead-end jobs for dead-end companies (e.g., Ed Hardy) who never get anywhere for very long because they keep hiring dead-weight employees like you.

3. Own your shit (Par III). Unless the next words that are about to come out of your month pertain to something useful or necessary like the location of the nearest restroom facilities, don’t speak them. Unless your Wernersville house or midtown Manhattan apartment is on fire, don’t come out of it. This strategy is also known as not making yourself out to be a complete idiot until you have a clearer idea of your goals. The authors of ‘Job Hunting for Dummies’ devote an entire two paragraphs to this principle in a chapter titled “Your Cluelessness is not a Strength.” If you’re not familiar with the word “goals”, they usually pertain to whatever it is you want to accomplish in life and how you wish people to perceive you. If you’re looking for a good goal-setting exercise, write your obituary --- i.e., write down what it is you hope people would say about you at your funeral and then compare it to what they would say if you died tomorrow. Works like a charm, Jon. Instant motivation! Until which time you set some goals, Jon, try not to die anytime soon. Trust me on this.

4. Own your shit (Part IV). The strategic importance of not revealing your complete cluelessness cannot be over emphasized. Stay off the radar(online), Jon. All too often teen-agers and twenty-somethings can’t keep a low profile either. Understandably, most lack gobs of confidence, direction and self-control at this early stage of life. The smart ones know to stay home and read books. But the dopes venture out, feeling confident that they can mask all their insecurities with pierced ears, clown clothes, marijuana, seedy bars and cheap sex. Inevitably, they hit bottom. Inevitably, some “friend” takes their picture passed out in a potted plant and they immediately become the butt of every internet joke--- never to be taken seriously again for a long, long time. I hope this never happens to you, Jon, or to anyone you know.


Ahhhh! My plane is landing, ya'll! It’s time to stow any carry-on items that I may have removed from the overhead or underseat compartments and return my tray table to its upright, locked position.

Unlike Jon, I typically do what others tell me to do. Accordingly, I will use caution when opening the overhead bins as heavier items may have shifted during flight. In a few moments, the flight attendants will pass through the cabin for a final time to collect any remaining trash items and check seat belts. I will give her my empty plastic cup and empty tomato juice can and I will keep my seat belt firmly fastened until the captain turns off the seat belt light indicating that it is safe to walk about the cabin.

This concludes my life advice for Jon Gosselin. We know you have a choice of blog travel and we hope to see you again in the friendly skies. Thank you for the many comments (especially the funny ones) while I have been distracted elsewhere. Have an enjoyable evening in the Los Angeles area or wherever you final destination may be.

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

Welcome back!

Anonymous said...

Great post love it.

Anonymous said...

Ditto...Welcome Back Kotter!! Great Advice...Lets hope he takes it!!

Agent 99 said...

Yay! Iwhy, you're back!

Love the "own your shit, own your shit, own your shit!" point!

Here's a serious question I would have for a hater - when people defend Kate's treatment of/attitude towards Jon because "she's got 8 kids to raise!" I always see the haters freak out and say "Kate is/was abusive towards Jon" or "there's no excuse for a person to act that way!" We've all seen the way they can't cut Kate even a tad of slack.

But what about Jon's behavior now? Kate can't have an excuse for being crabby, but Jon gets one for behaving like a child!? The double standard all ya' haters are using here is jaw dropping! Even if Kate were the most evil bitch to ever walk the earth, as I know you haters feel she is, how is it that her bad behavior towards Jon is responsible for his bad behavior? And if it's justifiable to you because Kate "treated him like shit" - well, that's about as childish as it gets! Do you advocate that as functional relatioship advice? Kate may very well be getting what she deserves from Jon, I'll give you that, but the children certainly don't deserve to have their father being such a public embarrassment now do they? You child advocates should know...

After the announcement, and subsequent reaction, that Kate will be guest hosting "The View" I think it's official: Kate is damned if she does, damned if she doesn't! If she locked herself up in her house tomorrow and stopped the show, stopped the paps, stopped everything, you haters would be more pissed than ever before that you wouldn't have her to pick apart any longer. I'd place money on it!!

You bitch and moan because she "exploits her kids" on their show and yet every child-free move that Kate makes is met with the same, if not harsher, criticism. Face it haters, your motives are crystal clear - you are not child advocates. You are not concerned citizens. You are haters and we can see through you.

Anonymous said...

From the People magazine article about him disputing that he wants off of the show.

'Yeah, because this is 24/7 and 9-to-5ers punch in and punch out and you have no responsibilities.' "

From the People magazine article about the twins going back to school.

"They're all jazzed up about riding on the bus," Jon Gosselin says of his children. "I'm happy too, because now I don't have to drive them to school."

#####

He really is immature. Someone shut him up.

Anonymous said...

Great post - and completely true. You must have some sort of super-power brain cells to write that while being immersed in all that recirculated air!

Anonymous said...

Well what's new, Jon is incredibly stupid. He can't keep all his shit together because he spews so much bullshit out of his mouth it's hard for his brain to keep up.

How on one hand can a person say they hate the attention then be out in their front yard in a dress, shades and a sun hat to have his picture taken? And give interviews and sign autographs?

I'm very shocked and saddened by everything that has happened with these two. I won't say family because the children are still as sweet as when the show began. These two "adults" both let money and a little fame get to their heads.

During the show I never really felt Kate was too hard on Jon. My parents remind me a lot of them. I understood and sympathized with Kate. She was the only parent pulling all the weight of the family, the same as I saw it with my mother doing everything for myself and my siblings while my father barely did anything. Others may have felt it wasn't right because women are "supposed" to be stepford wives and do everything all the while keeping the husband happy and he does nothing. Sorry I don't believe in that. It's 2009 and both parents should share equal roles in raising their children.

Jon was never interested in a 9-5 and was clearly miserable while doing so. Getting fired and quitting all the time. I don't get where this crap about a job came from. I don't think someone with the education or lack there of that Jon has could go back to a 9-5. No one would go from making reportedly $75k an episode to making that or less in a whole year.

Jon isn't solely to blame though. Kate is definitely controlling and has her own fame whore agenda going. That's what makes me sick looking back at the old episodes. I watched from the beginning not like these tabloids and others who are just chiming in on this because it was the "hot" thing at the moment. They were a nice family at one point. They just got greedy and both got egos.

I somewhat believe Jon when he says Kate came to him and basically said it was over. He was with her for 10 years and put up with the "abuse". So why would he all of a sudden step out on her? After her Larry King appearance I started to question her and believe that she is a fame whore. When asked what if Jon wasn't on the show anymore she lit up like a Christmas tree. She probably feels she's to big a star now to be with Jon and she's the real star of the show. Doing all these interviews, co hosting The View etc. She absolutely loves the attention and needs to stop pretending she doesn't. It's sickening what they have become.

But what do I know? Just my "outside looking in" opinion.

Anonymous said...

The incredulous amount of crap that the haters have left on The View's blog astounds me! I'm sure that a lot of them are socks, but it's almost humorous how many of them are such ardent fans of the show. (Aren't most people at work when the show is on?)

Here is my vote for the most creative:

"excuuuseme Says:
August 26th, 2009, 6:33 pm

I'll tell you what I think!! I'm furious. We have a group of ladies that get together once a week & watch The View, lunch, talk,bake,garden...My Bday is Sept. 13th & we planned on the 14th date for our get-together then were informed that Kate Gosselin was going to cohost!!! NO WAY!!!!!!!! Change of plans!!! Our little group of 15 REFUSE to watch the show if she is on it!!! What are YOU thinking???????? We ALL will BOYCOTT The View. Maybe forever if you sink so low that Kate Gosselin will be on the show! She is a nobody! Well, maybe a liar. She is NO role model. Just because she has 8 kids. ??? So what. Nothing special. She doesn't even do anything. She has nannies, chefs, bodyguards, housekeepers,drivers... Give me a break!!! All she cares about is MONEY & herself. Not her children or her family. Sorry, we cannot relate to her at all. Don't forget her room temperature Fiji water & organic catering. Say Hello to her bodyguard Steve too. Be careful you don't make her mad! Good luck & Goodbye. Our group of REAL woman will do real woman things. We work hard. We deserve a break. Kate Gosselin deserves NOTHING. And she appreciates NOTHING(Kitchen makeover she did not need,vacation to get away from kitchen makeover,FREEBIES she doesn't need). She is so ungrateful & it is a slap in the face to most American families struggling. Give the FREE Juicy Juice away to a shelter Kate. Ask her about her family & friends. Where are they??? Nevermind. She'll just pull the "poor pity me story". More lies. All alooone, ALL for the kids! Do you think we are stupid? Guess again. We are NOT & we will not be watching."

What's your favorite? I think the view should consider exposing the hate blogs while Kate is on the show!

Sharla's Shrink said...

Dear Iwhy:

Can't we just embrace the GWoPtards and wingnuts and feed 'em peanuts? It's not like they aren't entertaining us.

My favorite is the welfare mother who pretends to have a high powered executive (lawyer) for a husband. She's WHACKO!

Anonymous said...

Sharla's Shrink said...
Dear Iwhy:

Can't we just embrace the GWoPtards and wingnuts and feed 'em peanuts? It's not like they aren't entertaining us.

My favorite is the welfare mother who pretends to have a high powered executive (lawyer) for a husband. She's WHACKO!

August 27, 2009 10:38 AM
were not buying it that her pretend husband is a lawyer what a joke.

iwhyawli said...

Dear anonymous @ 9:53am:

Can you help my understand how loving a career in television but depising the total invasion of privacy that has been rendered upon them by the likes of Aunt Jodi, Julie, the GWOPPERS and papparazi is deceptive, confusing or contradictory?

Do you mean to tell me that when I become rich and famous for writing this blog that I'll just have to tolerate the occasional photograph of my hoo-ha that is taken by the paparazzi who are camped on my lawn 24x&?

Is the TV appearance part absolutely essential to your well thought out position? I don't know what you do for a living, but how 'bout I send a bunch of slugs and their cameras over to follow you around for a month? I wonder how you all (ie., you and your hoo-ha) would like it.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
Sharla's Shrink said...
Dear Iwhy:

Can't we just embrace the GWoPtards and wingnuts and feed 'em peanuts? It's not like they aren't entertaining us.

My favorite is the welfare mother who pretends to have a high powered executive (lawyer) for a husband. She's WHACKO!

August 27, 2009 10:38 AM
were not buying it that her pretend husband is a lawyer what a joke.

August 27, 2009 12:14 PM

Thats why shes on the computer all day shes a welfare mother that explains alot.

Iwhyawli is my hero! said...

Welcome back Iwhyawli!

I was afraid that you had been abducted by the Gosselin A-Team (A = Asshole)

I don't want to name any names but we can all imagine who is on that list.

So I'm glad you are safe. I hope that Sharla doesn't come to your hotel room at night. Be sure to tell the security guards to be on the look out for a fat, mildy retarded woman, who smells like she sharted herself muttering curses on Kate Gosselin. Oh wait. Sorry. I was thinking about Lisa. Nevermind.

I hope you have a good trip.

MaMaMaKita said...

To Anonymous at 12:14 and 2:24: Can you please use punctuation when you type and not completely state the obvious? I'm not trying to be a douchetard, but it's hard to read posts when all the sentences are strung together. Punctuation is our friend.

Anonymous said...

http://www.theview.tv/comments/130320 the jealous people are at it agin.

Anonymous said...

MaMaMaKita said...
To Anonymous at 12:14 and 2:24: Can you please use punctuation when you type and not completely state the obvious? I'm not trying to be a douchetard, but it's hard to read posts when all the sentences are strung together. Punctuation is our friend.

August 27, 2009 5:40 PM
wow the tards from the hate site are back. There the only ones that worry about crap like spelling and Punctuation.

MaMaMaKita said...

Call me an idiot (I admit to being one often), but I actually care about spelling and punctuation. I think it speaks volumes about the average GWOPtard when she makes fun of Kate's "lack of intelligence" and then incorrectly spells half of the words in her posts. Just don't want to see this blog take that route. That's all I was getting at. No offense meant to anyone. But I must go now ive got work to do and ill write more later bye have a good frieday. By the way, "there" is different from "they're." Look it up.

iwhyawli said...

Dear MaMaMaKita:

Thanks for your concern and your courageous efforts to save the world and this blog from mispellings, typos and grammar errors. You'd make a marvelous Laura Linger. Unfortunately, this ain't no job interview nor are we working on the cure for cancer here so lighten up on the spelling and grammar comments. If you're having a tough time digesting someone's content, may I suggest that you do what most normal people do --- i.e., move on quietly to the next post. It's just a great way to avoid all sorts of unnecessary controversy and hard feelings. My apologies for suggesting the obvious.

She's not fooling anyone said...

Iwhyawli:

MaMaMaKita is someone from Reality Without Apologies. I suspect the owner. Basically the exact same statement is made over at the other blog. See below.

It all started with the following comment. Any reference to LK's fake husband must really upset her.


From GWOPWOP:

Sharla's Shrink said...
Dear Iwhy:

Can't we just embrace the GWoPtards and wingnuts and feed 'em peanuts? It's not like they aren't entertaining us.

My favorite is the welfare mother who pretends to have a high powered executive (lawyer) for a husband. She's WHACKO!

August 27, 2009 10:38 AM

-MaMaMaKita's Reply-

MaMaMaKita said...
To Anonymous at 12:14 and 2:24: Can you please use punctuation when you type and not completely state the obvious? I'm not trying to be a douchetard, but it's hard to read posts when all the sentences are strung together. Punctuation is our friend.

August 27, 2009 5:40 PM

---

MaMaMaKita said...
Call me an idiot (I admit to being one often), but I actually care about spelling and punctuation. I think it speaks volumes about the average GWOPtard when she makes fun of Kate's "lack of intelligence" and then incorrectly spells half of the words in her posts. Just don't want to see this blog take that route. That's all I was getting at. No offense meant to anyone. But I must go now ive got work to do and ill write more later bye have a good frieday. By the way, "there" is different from "they're." Look it up.

August 28, 2009 7:54 AM


-Compare----

From Reality Without Apologies:

Paula/Sammy/anonymous said...
---August 27, 2009 5:40 PM
wow the tards from the hate site are back. There the only ones that worry about crap like spelling and Punctuation.

August 27, 2009 7:09 PM---

There = they are.

We are the only ones who worry about education.
Sorry we don't want to sound like dumb, uneducated trailer trash who wouldn't know a comma from an aposhtrophe!

Silly things like spelling and grammar help get people employment where they can use their brains. Not everybody can get that cool job with the hairnet and "do you want fries with that." I know the pictures on the cash register make it very easy but some adults actually prefer to sound like adults, not toddlers.

Anybody who defends poor spelling and grammar is dumber than a box of rocks. I bet you also never "read for fun" either. What a fucking moron.

August 27, 2009 9:55 PM

Smack Down! said...

Dear MaMaMaKita:

You just got "schooled" by iwhyawli.

Anonymous said...

Question:

1. Who is TV SNARK?

2. Who is RETRO DAN?

3. What is CAFE MOM?

4. Which hate bloggers are from which site.

Beware of the Grammar Nazi said...

MaMaMaKita is a Grammar Nazi. Grammar Nazi's are about as annoying as Concern Trolls.



Grammar Nazi


4. A captious individual who cannot resist the urge to correct a spelling and/or grammar mistake even in informal settings. After pointing out the linguistic shortcomings in others, a Grammar Nazi feels a strange sense of twisted and unconstructive intelligentsia delight.

In reality, they are making someone else feel bad for no reason and unintentionally implying that their "superior" grammar skills are all they have to show for a wasted liberal arts education.

While proper grammar usage is all well and good, a Grammar Nazi cavils even insignificant errors in English to somehow win an argument. Of course, rather than being genuinely persuasive in an argument, pointing out English errors is a weak attack only on the typist's credibility and never has any bearing on the underlying premises and assertions therein.

In other words, this is simply a disguised ad hominem argument which intelligent and logical people disregard.

6. grammar nazis often misidentify grammar as the primary determinant of one's intelligence and the most important element of expression.

this belief stems from the grammar nazi's insecurity, which leads him to learn the simplest thing in the whole fucking world to learn and impose it on others, earning self-gratification in the process. realizing how easy but effective it is, the nazi continues this ego masturbation until he can no longer separate the truth from the lie: grammar's not that important, no one gives a shit, and no one likes you. "




http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Grammar%20Nazi

MaMaMaKita said...

Touche, my friends. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have acted like a grammar nazi. It was stupid and very GWOPish of me. I have no excuses, other than I read too many posts at GWOP at one time and was feeling disgusting and felt the need to pick on someone, foolishly. I'm not someone on another blog, I swear; just someone who thoroughly enjoys reading posts that bash the GWOP morons. No need to focus on this anymore -- I know I was stupid and I apologize. But, really, it's not a conspiracy. I'll never do it again. Now, I'm off to figure out how pictures of Kate in a dress in the Target parking lot make her a whore. Bye bye.

Anonymous said...

She's not fooling anyone said...
Iwhyawli:

MaMaMaKita is someone from Reality Without Apologies. I suspect the owner. Basically the exact same statement is made over at the other blog. See below.

It all started with the following comment. Any reference to LK's fake husband must really upset her. ----------------------------------
Lisa K, could not have a job. Shes on blogs and twitter all day long.

erica m. said...

If the "Hate Blog" owners hate Kate and she has never done anything to them, can you imagine how they obsess about real life people who they have felt slighted by?

I can only imagine how seeing comments that make fun of them drive them up a wall. Some of the bloggers say "it's only words" then they make a bunch of angry posts attacking people such as iwhyawli calling her all sorts of nasty things. So obviously they would like to tell themselves that other people calling them on their shit doesn't matter to them. That's the joke. Tell yourselves and eachother what you like hater ladies. You aren't fooling anyone.

Thanks to Iwhyawli for providing a place where the haters can get a taste of there own medicine.

PS. I purposely spelt "their" wrong. Deal with it bitches!

Anonymous said...

oh look, it’s about me, watch me hate on kate, he he, cuz i am so not hot hahahaa, I am so paranoid when some one says something to defend kate when I hate on her, I have an ip tracker on my blog, sheee, hehehe tee hee *snaps gum*, but it’s about me here now and so go check out my hate blogs, I am one of those unhappy housewifes. i even drive by kate’s KOMPOUND (shhhh, haha we call it KONpound, cuz jon and kate, kon, get it, and they kon people) aren’t I smart. * my blogs are my life, hating on kate I am obsessed, i love to stalk the gosselins.

Arabella said...

Iwhy - great post. I am just getting caught up on my Gosselin blogging.

You have given him some great advice "own your shit", "act like a grown-up" - whatever you want to call it, it's time for a new direction.

Kate has direction. She has goals. She is planning for the future and not just hangin.

The Gosselin children would be better served to have two parents . Not one parent and a dude who acts like your older cousin who is willing to buy beer for you.

Get a grip, Jon. We are rooting for you because the kids deserve it....

Anonymous said...

People why all the ugly comments? Can't you give anyone a break? Like you would turn down money if you were on a show like this? I am so grateful to have been able to share some of this wonderful family's lives. I wish them the best. No one is perfect. Kate was sometimes hard on Jon, but what do we know of how he could be and the same with her, it's not like we saw everyday and minute of their lives. Listen there are ALWAYS two sides. Kate is a good mother and handles her life and family with a lot of strength and good sense. Raising one kid is hard, but 8?? I love this show and all of the people.

beyond the shark said...

Okay, so I enjoy the funny posts and what-not, but I'm getting really confused by all of the inside jokes and references to other blogs. Give ALL the information or just don't go there, please!