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Advice for Brandy

Yeah, I know I know. This isn't the 'DWTS without Pity' blog but I can't but help chuckle at all the worldwide outrage over poor Brandy's elimination last night.

That damn show (which I officially hate) plays people (including me) like a violin.

Don't get me wrong. I couldn''t care less that Brandy was booted from the show. I couldn't care less if Bristol Palin wins (or loses).

As soon as I heard that Bristol Palin would be on the show, I absolutely knew without question that DWTS would find a way to embroil her in some sort of nasty controversy (because they don't like her mother's politics). Afterall, Bristol is not a celebrity or public figure, or even trying to be a public figure. Not that most of the so-called stars (cough) are famous, but Bristol isn't even a reality TV person. Hell, GWOP's much beloved Jodi Krieder has been on more TV shows than Bristol Palin. Why sign Bristol before Jodi? DWTS wanted to stir the shit, that's why. The GWOPPERS are also outraged, aren't they?

Silly me. I just thought the show's attempt to slice and dice Bristol (or her mother) would surface far earlier in the season, far more overtly and obviously --- something akin to a completely disgusted Bruno giving her 2's every week and taking potshots at her mother whilst choking on his own vomit.

But to the show's credit, they were far more clever. See, they instead chose to create the appearance of cheating. Extra kudos to them for injecting race into the controversy by pitting Bristol against an African American woman.

I don't believe for a second that there was any cheating on anyone's part -- by DWTS, the Palin family , the Wasilla Middle School, the Tea Party or even Communist China. You heard me. I don't doubt for a second that Bristol got more votes than Brandy. I'll also bet money that Bristol got more votes than Kyle whathisname. I might even wager a wee bet that Bristol got more votes than Jennifer "Please Feel very Sorry for Me because my boyfriend and I one took two peoople out whilst goofing around in Ireland" Grey. Bristol been at the bottom of the judge's score board week after week. Let there be no doubt that (for whatever reason) Bristol Palin has been pulling the votes in -- lots of them. Don't look at me. I haven't voted since the Kate Gosselin season.

And how does iwhyawli know this is all a very carefully crafted controversy? Because if you rewatch the episode in the moments just before Brandy is eliminated, you'll hear that sap Brook whatshername say casually but not so casually: "while not necessarily in the bottom two, one of these two stars will be going home tonight."



If the two remaining heads on the chopping block weren't *necessarily* in the bottom two, why then choose to pit Bristol Palin against Brandy? Why not pit Brandy (who we now know did have the fewest votes) against Jennifer Grey or against Kyle whatshisface?

Hey I got an idea? Why not pit the two "stars" who actually ARE in the bottom two against each other? [horshack]Oh oh Mr. Kotter, I know why not![horshack]. Because the show wanted to stir the shit ... all at the expense of some poor girl who happens to have a mother that the liberal left (and most in Hollywood) doesn't like.

The only thing about this farce that I don't get yet is why Brook whatsherface would even announce "while not necessarily in the bottom two" in the first place. Why not just leave that whole part out and let us believe that both Bristol and Brandy were in the final two (even if they weren't)? Perhaps the show is somehow legally required to announce it when the bottom two aren't actually in the bottom two. But anyway, the very second I heard "while not necessarily in the bottom two" I knew Brandy was going home. Meanwhile, the rest of the country more conveniently concludes that voting is fixed and the dopes in Wisconsin are shooting guns at their TV screens.

And then there's poor Brandy. Another victim. 'I am numb' she says. She cannot understand any of it.

Fortunately, it's my nature to be helpful to the clueless. I offer Brandy the following advice.

  1. Your ability to master a new skill (ie., dance, sing/tell jokes, bake cakes) has little to do with your success on shows that rely on viewers/fans voting for you.
  2. Make sure your last hit song (cough) was some time after 1998, unless you're one of the two surviving Beatles.
  3. Get yourself a last name. I tried to google 'Brandy' last night so that I could figure out who you were and um, yeah.... according to google, you've not yet reached the iconic status of a 'Cher', 'Prince' or 'Sting'.
  4. Insist on a partner who isn't Max Chmerloskywitz. If it isn't obvious by now, Max could be partnered with Cyd Charisse and still lose. He's a poor sport with a self-absorbed pukey personality who thinks he's hot but actually looks like a pastier version of the Pillsbury doughboy when standing next to someone like Chad Ochocinco. Max's only redeeming quality is that he loathes Carrie Ann "You truly moved me" Innaba.

Hope that helps, Brandy. Good luck to you. I think you're a fine dancer and a very pretty girl. Perhaps someday I'll get to hear you sing.