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Who the Heck is Eric Roberts?

Never heard of him.

Be right back. I'm going to google him.




Oh. I get it. He is a former soap opera star/drug addict/wife abuser. And one of those Celebrity (cough) Rehab substance abuse opportunists to boot. So yeah, I totally understand why I'd be 100% interested in everything he has to say, including the judgments he passes on others who he perceives to be less perfect than him. Teach me, Eric. Teach me. After the tragic passing of Brittany Murphy's husband, Simon whatshisname, I've been lost at sea.

So yeah, Eric Roberts is officially my new mentor, and I am nothing if not a good student. I bet it wouldn't bother Eric in the least if I were to volunteer on these here internets that his sister, Julia, is a complete dimwit -- [cough]Lyle Lovett fiasco [cough] --- and worse, a hack actress as recently re-confirmed in the yawnfest titled "Eat, Pray, Love." For a long while there, I stopped going to movies because I simply could NOT understand why, in a country of 6+ gazillion women, all the leading lady roles were being given to Julia Roberts.

Nothing personal, Julia, but you can't act. You look, you talk, you laugh, you mope, you walk, you weep, you smile EXACTLY THE SAME WAY IN EVERY MOVIE THAT YOU'VE EVER BEEN IN. So please, go find Dustin Hoffman, Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, Amy Adams or even Cher for crapsake, introduce yourself and beg for an acting lesson.

It's probably not fair to crap all over Julia Roberts like this. I'd really rather crap all over Eric Roberts but other than drug addict/domestic violence kudos, there's not much there to comment on.

My feelings for Eric Roberts are perhaps best expressed in song.

"Dancing through Life"

[taps mike ]

Testing. 1-2. Testing.

[spritzes throat]

Dancing through life
Skimming the surface
Gliding where turf is smooth
Life's more painless
For the brainless
Why think too hard?
When it's so soothing

Dancing through life
No need to tough it
When you can sluff it off as I do
Nothing matters
But knowing nothing matters
It's just life
So keep dancing through

Dancing through life
Swaying and sweeping
And always keeping cool
Life is fraught-less
When you're thoughtless
Those who don't try
Never look foolish
Dancing through life
Mindless and careless
Make sure you're where less
Trouble is rife
Woes are fleeting
Blows are glancing
When you're dancing
Through life