Kids and their Magical Powers

Well, readers, from the sounds of things, Rabbi Shmuley is making great progress with Jon*.

Let's see. Instead of showing up two hours late or not at all, Jon only kept people waiting for a half hour. Fortunately, most of them already stayed home since he allegedly said (in the 11th hour) that he wasn't going to show up and then he did. Not that I care what happens to people who pay $25 to see a guy humiliate himself but that's not the point. The point is: Jon was late. Again. Saying you'll show up at a designated time and then not showing up or showing up late is a textbook example of passive aggression. People are not habitually late by accident. They are habitually late because they are self-centered jackasses.

We also have another heartfelt* apology from Jon to Kate which this time includes his declaration of love and devotion to his mistress, Hailey Glassman, in the very same sentence. Jon is nothing if not an efficient wordsmith. And yet, neither one of them can understand why Hailey is perceived as a homewrecker. This intriques me and my only guess is that they are confusing the word "homewrecker" with "slut". If Hailey were just a slut and not a homewrecker, she'd limit her relationship with Jon to sexy time without all the Kate smacktalk that only serves to place the kids smackdab in the middle of the confusion, hard feelings and angst.

Let's assume, knock wood, Hailey and Jon do reconcile and marry after the divorce**. Even if Hailey is on the verge of discovering the cures for cancer and world hunger, she'll forever be perceived BY THE KIDS as the "step monster" who spoke smack about their mother during the unhappiest time of their lives. Every "family event" from here on out will most likely be awkward and contentious for all three adults and so the kids too. Folks, that's called "homewrecking". Contrary to The Insider's professional life coach, Star Jones, homewrecking has little to do with extramarital sex before a couple legally separates.

Finally, we have Jon taking Rabbi Shmuley's good advice to "stop dating because the kids are going through a tough time." Jon, of course, interprets this to mean that he can resume dating Hailey again in 30 days as soon as the divorce is final (and so she should just wait because 30 days isn't that long). Hailey, of course, doesn't dump Jon because its healthy for the kids: she claims to dump Jon because that's the healthy thing to do for herself. Two more selfless people the world has never known.

Thank goodness for kids and their magical powers. It's well known that they're born with immunity to most diseases and viruses but lesser known is their complete subservience to the legal calendar. On whatever date the divorce is final, the difficult time they're currently enduring will be magically over and Jon can get back to humping Hailey and rubbing Kate's face in it. The legally divorced date cannot come soon enough for Jonnie. Hailey may not have to forgo her first Christmas stocking after all and it'll be a a Merry, Merry Christmas for everyone!

Thanks Rabbi Shmuley! Good work*.










* Note to GWOPPERS: This is sarcasm.

** Iwhyawli supports this outcome since these two slobs shouldn't be permitted to screw up any more lives. And let's face, they deserve each other.