The PENNMOMMY Codex

'Loveit' asked in one of the comments around here: "Tell me about PENNMOMMY."

It's an important story, especially for newcomers to the Great Gosselin debate. But as a newcomer myself, I won't be the best person to tell it.

When I started this blog, I did know there was some sort of controversy regarding PENNMOMMY (PM) but I hadn't paid much attention to it and didn't yet know any the disturbing details. For what I wanted to write about -- mocking GWoPpers-- I already had plenty of other material.

Almost immediately, however, different readers started sending links to all the sordid details. Here's what I've learned about PENNMOMMY. Hope I've not screwed anything up.

The PENNMOMMY Codex
by: iwhyawli

PENNMOMMY (PM) was/is one of the original GWoPpers who also claimed to be a neighbor of the Gosselins.

Best I can tell, GWoP is a spin-off from some blog called TWoP. The TWoPpers booted the GWoPpers when they started posting people's home and work addresses, calling employers, harassing the churches where J&K's were scheduled to appear, etc., etc.

Neat!

In truth, it turns out that PM actually lives in California and was one of those home-bound, bed-ridden people on TLC's Half Ton People series. She couldn't stay on the prescribed diet and when TLC decided not to give her any more airtime, she blamed Jon & Kate's popularity and started stirring the shit.

Everything starts falling apart for PENNMOMMY when she announces that her imaginary son was near death. All too willing to believe anything they hear, the GWoPpers immediately threw their emotional and financial support to PENNMOMMY, sending prayers, cards, money and food (of course).

Anyone else with half a brain immediately questioned why the precarious condition of her imaginary son had zero impact on PM's 24x7 internet usage.

Just about the time PM's imaginary son died his imaginary death in the imaginary hospital, folks were able to demonstrate with ample evidence that the whole PM schtick was a complete hoax.

Poof! PM soon vanishes from the Gosselin blogosphere. By "vanishes", I mean stops using the PENNMOMMY nic and immediately starts using another one.

The GWoP moderators and posters known as Fiona, iluveyore and 3Farmers were some of PM's most ardent supporters. They've been mentioned in some of the comments here and a google search quickly reveals that they're still around and actively bickering with everyone.

It is also widely believed that PM and at least Serena Leigh Bell (not her real name) are the same person. I don't know which GWoP moderator lives in St Louis, but if they're not in close cahoots with PM/Serena, I hope they are checking their bank balances and credit ratings everyday.

If I had to guess: it's Aunt Jodi's sister, Julie, who lives in St Louis and she isn't Aunt Jodi's sister at all. Serena vouches for Julie, of course, which is good enough for me. Let me get my checkbook.

Not yet one year later, the GWoP blog not only manages to survive its big scandal, it thrives and we already see the moderators back in the game trying once again to harvest whatever personal information they can get their hands on.

The End.

I invite others who were around at that time to share additional details (and correct mine which I know are messed up).

What was your favorite moment of the PENNMOMMY era?

Watergate

Some GWoP cuckoo named Therese --- a name I mention in case you all recognize that name as belonging to the PENNMOMMY family of cuckoo puffs -- sent me an accusatory comment that I "have been noticeably and curiously silent on the Watergate matter." Spittle. Spittle. Spittle.

As if, what, Therese? As if that video is vindication that you and the rest of the GWoPpers aren't a bunch a madcows?

You'd be wrong. I think you're all nuttier than ever. I didn't think this was possible but the collective IQ over there may have even dropped a point.

I can't get worked up about the Watergate video for one simple reason: it was merely a moment in time. Correction. It was only one very short moment in time for which there appear to be multiple edited versions. Gee, I wonder if someone is trying to make news?

Even if I were to assess the version of the video which tries to paint Kate in the worst possible light, I can't come to any conclusions.

I have no idea what happened in the days, hours and minutes prior to the video.

And I have no idea what happened in moments after the video.

For all I know, Mady had just polished off a Jumbo-Size Grape Slurpee and needed another drink of anything like she needed a hole in the head.

For all I know, Kate went and purchased Mady a lifetime supply of water immediately following the 4 minute video clip.

And during the video, I can't say that Kate did anything that I wouldn't have done myself. You see, I try not to reward my child's bad behavior with attention. I'm pretty sure all those new-fangled Parenting Coaches tell us not to do that too. And for crap sake, can't we go a whole 7 days before our kidneys shut down?

Perhaps it follows, Therese, that I shouldn't have rewarded your bad behavior by responding to your comment. Perhaps I shouldn't reward the bad behavior of the entire GWoP blog by sponsoring this blog.

But you're adults, Therese. Presumably.

If by now you haven't figured out that no response to your behavior most likely means you're doing something wrong, you'll never figure it out. You leave the rest of us no choice but to spell everything out for you in plain, bold letters.

Poor 'ol seething Serena (not her real name) just can not understand why no one is "actually putting some decent laws in place. You know, like this blog has been asking for since last Spring!" Spittle. Spittle. Spittle. Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!

Keep banging your head against the wall, Serena.

I'm confident the answer will never dawn on you and I fully enjoy watching you and your trolling buddies make fools of yourselves and your oh-so faithful blog followers.

As a reminder, the deadline for voluntarily sending your identity to Serena is June 15th.

GWoP Bitchfest in Review for week ending 06/12/09

Here's a summary of this week's GWoP bitchfest.

Sorry in advance -- this f-ing list is longer than the Laura Linger Manifesto. I'm also certain that I've overlooked something. Help iwhyawli out?

At GWoP, endless harping is an art form.

Prepare to commence eye-rolling.

In no particular order:

1. Water-gate
2. Excessive-and-unnecessary-display-of-iPhones-gate
3. Age-Inappropriate-Bib-gate
4. Who-takes-kids-clothing-to-a-Dry-cleaner-gate
5. Kate-just-went-to-the-god-damn-spa-in-San-Diego-and-now-she's-going-again!-gate
6. Loud-and-Excessive-cackling-gate
7. Extravagant-$125,0000-motorcycle-gate
8. Front-Buckingham-Fountain-Gate-gate
9. Kate's-Filthy-Feet-on-Picnic-Blanket-gate
10. Excessive-Wearing-of-Denim-Skirt-gate
11. Open-toed-shoes-on-scooter-gate
12. No-Helmet-Wearing-gate
13. Excessive-Use-of-Paper-Plates-gate
14. Excessive-Cracking-of-Gum-gate
15. Inhumane-Crating-of-Dogs-crate
16. Suspiciously-deferred-kindergarten-gate
17. Selfish-Request-for-Crunchy-Onions-Without-Asking-Others-gate
18. Inappropriate-Use-of-Spoon-as-Sex-Toy-gate
19. Spatula-as-Weapon-gate
20. Garish-Choice-of-Nail-Polish-Color-at-Unnecessary-Spa-Visit-gate
21. Failure-to-address-Emeril-as-Chef Emeril-gate
22. Failure-to-eat-Dinner-with-Emeril-in-Dining-Room-gate
23. Quit-Honking-the-Scooter-Horn-else-Naptime-gate
24. There's-No-H-in-Jon-on-Scooter-gate
25. Excessive-Starbuck-Cup-Sightings-on-Kitchen-Counter-gate
26. OCC-guys-not-allowed-in-McMansion-gate
27. Always-Blurred-Out-Not-A-Nanny-gate
28. Mady's-Choice-of-Stuffed-Turtle-for-Cara-as-Most-Useless-Gift-gate
29. Jon-will-no-doubt-kill-himself-in-tragic-motorcycle-accident-and-then-what-gate
30. Garlic-Peeling-Marathon-gate
31. Only-One-Smelly-Strawberry-Per-Child-gate
32. Why-Do-We-Never-See-the-Kids-Drink-Milk-gate
33. Hidden-Toy-in-Joels-Coat-Pocket-gate
34. Proper-Pronuniciation-of-Our-versus-Are-gate
35. Missing-Pool-Fence-gate
36. Failure-to-recognize-white-stuff-as-macaroni-gate
37. 100th-Show-was-Really-96th-Show-gate
38. Kate's-Inappropriate-Sniffing-of-that-one-Hairy-Guy's-Hair-gate
39. Why-the-Fuck-Is-Joel-Riding-A-Bike-with-Training-Wheels-Again-gate
40. Emeril-Flirt-Fest-using-Wonky-Eye-gate
41. Real-or-Fake-Boobs-gate

Well well well ...

Can you guess who this is?

Nice beak.

Here's a clue: She's unemployed.

GWoP Facebook Fun - Volume 1

One Step Forward. Three Steps Back.

Just finished reading Laura Linger's re-crap of the last J&K episode. We're making progress. There wasn't a single reference to Kate's shoes.

However, GWoPpers, I see that you still cannot bring yourselves to withhold commentary on physical appearances.

So.

If you can't beat them, join 'em.

GWoPwop is pleased to announce a new weekly feature called

"GWoP Facebook Fun"
Volume 1

Diane & her Dog

Which is which?

This woman's husband is a lucky, lucky man

Whenever I hear someone say "I'm no prude" that's usually a very strong clue that she's one giant prude.

Case in point:

----------------------------------------------------------
Deb said...
The BEST recap I've ever read here. Brilliant.

My favorite part that I also noticed but didn't hear anyone mention:"She recovers enough to eye-flirt with the camera guy again, saying “Back, boy. Back.” She smiles widely, all pearly veneers and dead beaver hairdo and flirty eyes, even her wonky one."

It was VERY creepy..I felt so awkward seeing her do that, a mother in the kitchen with her children and husband and she was acting so sexual!

I'm no prude and am usually the LAST one to take offense at crude humor..but she was literally using the spoon as a whip and purred "down boy" and as he backed away, she had this horrible grin and was moving her hands suggestively. How embarrassing for her family!

Honestly, she was acting so loose and flirty, I can't imagine how their guest felt.

Oh and why was Emeril not seated at the head of the table..but jammed alongside the kids? Poor guy is quite portly and he was barely on the edge of the table!

But yea, that was just too much. I can't believe how terrible that looked..she's practically making love to the camera!
6/10/2009 11:13 PM
-----------------------------------

If you thought Kate was "acting so sexually in the kitchen", Deb, I suggest you NOT watch the movie "9 1/2 weeks". Or, maybe you should.

You're definitely needing something.

American Chopper Tonite! And 90 minutes too!

There's lots to worry about on tonite's episode of American Chopper. I'll rest easier when the show is finally over.

They say that Paul Sr and Sharla are frequently mistaken for each other so perhaps this is the one J&K episode that the GWoPpers can't help but love. We'll see.

The promos also show the kids howling, howling, howling (and I mean howing!) in laughter at some guy's ventriloquist act.

Surely all that laughing can't be healthy for such tiny little diaphragm muscles. Ut oh. I sure hope this isn't the episode that finally compels Child Protective Services to put the kids in foster homes.

:: biting my nails ::

A Note of Thanks to Troll Hunter

Thank you, Troll Hunter. You and others have been sending me lots of terrificly good links re this whole GWoPper (for the lack of a better word) cult. Not only a time-saver but all of it is helpful insight that I'll be certain to knit into my masterplan of GWoPper humiliation soon.

It's also becoming clear that I'm more than a little late to the Great Witchhunt of our New Millenium. If this conflict were Lord of Rings, I guess I'd be an ENT.

Those were the tree people, right?

In any case, I am relieved to know from reading your links that my instincts are razor-sharp. All these GWoP women are looney-tune.

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

---------------------------------------
lindahoyt said...
I have to tell you I babysat my 2 year old niece today, she is two. She ate breakfast, lunch and snacks, WITHOUT a bib...and WITHOUT a highchair, at a regular table. She didn't get a drop on her nice "Carters" sunflower sun dress! She also knew all her colors, almost drew a square, after anouncing that she was going to draw one; knew what an "R" was and knew all her shapes and colors. She can say and identify macaroni.
6/08/2009 10:19 PM
----------------------------------

See now, here we have THE fundamental problem with passing judgment on other parents. It almost always gets ugly and just never ends well.

If you've read lindahoyt's blog (http://lindahoyt.wordpress.com/), you'd know that linda's 20-something daughter (she's in her 20's) is a drop-out, a drug addict, an ex-convict, a whore, a telemarketer ... you name it.

And so a lesser person than myself would probably be pretty quick to point out that lindahoyt's very own 20-something daughter most likely can't do ANY of those same things that the 2-year-old can do once she's elected to snort godonlyknowswhat up her nose.

But no, I am not about to call lindahoyt's own mothering skills into question. Because frankly, that blog of hers leads me to believe that 'lindahoyt' is mentally ill.

Seriously mentally ill.

This is not to say that I no longer think 'lindahoyt' is a troll. I absolutely think 'lindhoyt' is a troll. She is the worst kind of troll --- a mentally ill troll.

I'll bet my kid's last beanie baby that 'lindahoyt' is a completely manufactured persona -- an elaborate and mean-spirited parody of far rightwing conservatism -- who patiently baits the blogs with all these outrageous hypocrisies and patiently waits for some dope just like me to pick a fight with her/him.

And therein lies the mental illness. Who's got the TIME to create such an elaborate ruse ? Nobody but a total whackjob. And what's the point of it? There isn't one.

So HA! I did not fall for your little trap, lindahoyt! And not only did I not fall for your trap, I exposed you to the world as a psychotic fraud!

However.

On the off chance that you are certifiably crazy versus troll-twisted- crazy, my original point stands: Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged.

Got that, fruitcake?

Don't Forget Everyone! Don't Delay!

You have only a very few days left to send your notes of gratitude or words of support and encouragement to Aunt Jodi and Uncle Kevin vis-a-vis the GWop moderators.

For those of you who may have been in coma this past month, Aunt Jodi and Uncle Kevin went to great lengths on the Internet and national TV to tell everyone (including the little Gosselin kids) that they're pretty sure Kate sleeps around. The GWoPpers wish to applaud this behavior by sending the Kreigers words of gratitude and support from around the world.

Why post your thank yous on the stinky GWoP blog for free when you can spend 44 cents and mail it off to unknown intermediaries who live in St Louis? It's a fantastic idea.

It's so much more personal and meaningful when you send a handwritten note. Just be certain to sign your note with your full legal name (not your blogging name) and to also include your home address and social security number. Having been lied to so many times by Jon & Kate, the GWoP moderators want to make certain that Aunt Jodi and Uncle Kevin (who are so very fragile right now) feel as though they are communicating with real people, real friends.

If you're also feeling compelled to send monetary support to Aunt Jodi and Uncle Kevin, great! But no cash please! Bank checks only. Bank checks from national chains are best. Or, you could make the check payable to GWoP and then the GWoP mods will write one big check.

Include a picture of yourself too! Certainly Aunt Jodi and Uncle Kevin will want to know what everyone looks like.

And last but not least, nothing will cheer them up more quickly than reading all about your life. Be sure to tell them about your kids, your hobbies, any upcoming vacation plans, where you keep the extra key to your house, etc. etc.

On behalf of the GWoP moderators, thank you in advance for coming together like this in what surely must be Aunt Jodi and Uncle Kevin's darkest, darkest hour.

You truly are everything that is right with the world.

You truly are the wind beneath Serena Leigh Bell's (not her real name) wings.

You truly are a bunch of dumb-ass Americans.

BAM! WHAT A FUN SHOW!

To compensate for the 2 or 3 GWoPpers who didn't watch last night's episode, I made certain we tuned every TV in the house to TLC. And then to be extra certain that our viewership wouldn't somehow be discounted, I made each one of us watch the show on a different TV. Even the dog and cat watched on the basement TV ( or at least they said they did.)

Here's my recap of the episode in bullet points:

1. Kids (all 8) still cuter than buttons and funnier than heck. Try as I might, I still can't find a hint of anything that compels me to move for legal guardianship.

2. I especially loved the shots of the kids with their lunchmeat masks and then the two older girls jumping out of the way to reveal one of the littler ones shouting "BAM!" Very ka-ewt!

3. Jon clearly adores those kids and they adore him. The show never fails to show at least one moment where he and at least one of the kids are connecting in a simple, sweet way. I've always felt that Jon is the perfect balance and calm to Kate's high energy. There is a quiet wisdom in Jon that is very powerful. I'm sure they'll remain a good mommy and daddy team --married, separated or divorced.

4. The kitchen is to die for! So nice and big. Totally good kitchen pick, Jon & Kate.

5. Emeril is every bit as easy-going, personable and genuine as you saw him on the show. I enjoyed watching him interact with the family. I'm certain that dinner was yummy.

6. Kate completely fails to irritate me once again. Yeah, I get where some folks thinks she's brash. I get where some people may think she's a bit of a drama/comedy queen. Yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, I know the personality type. It's Type A.

There's not a darn thing wrong with Type A personalities, especially in business. They're a lively bunch who keep things moving.

Plus, I know how to deal with all the different personality types because unlike the GWoPpers my parents TAUGHT ME HOW TO GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE and more importantly, how to leverage different personality types (and people) to my advantage!!

So put that in your pipe and smoke it ... all you stupid, no-high heel wearing GWoPpers!

And by "stupid", of course, I mean dumb, banal and insipid.

I am Looking Forward to Tonite's 100th Episode, aren't you?

For a little something new and different, I hear Emeril Lagasse will be on ... I know first hand that he's a wonderful chef!

Great idea, TLC!

And of course, I will also be trying to guess what all the GWoPpers will rag about this time ... after they tune into the show (accidentally, snicker) and then find that they're unable to turn the channel again.

"Jebus, what the hell are you bitching about now?" is a little GWoPper game that my husband and I like to play when we watch the show.

Last week, I thought for sure the GWoPpers would harp endlessly about the bit lip. But nope. Of the 4,344 things that Jon & Kate did wrong in that half hour, here are the ones I remember reading about most often:

1) Jon took too damn long to swing set up.
2) Jon & Kate don't call each other enough when Kate travels.
3) none of the kids' coats were zipped and it was cold out
4) Kate-the-Witch made Maddy get a pedicure even though Mady once said she didn't like them.
5) They let the kids slide down the slide even after the dogs go down it on their butts.
6) Jon walks in front of his house too much
7) Kate would be able to remember whether the toilet lid was broken if she was home more often

How the Internet Works

Here's a rare post in which I try to be helpful to the GWoPpers and their fervid campaign to stop the damnable exploitation of those Gosselins kids.

I will do this by explaining how the Internet and tabloid journalism works.

Dear GWoPpers,

When you click those links to justjared.com, tmz.com and whatever other godforsaken sites you're accidentally (snicker) looking at 24x7, the proprietors of those sites earn money. Lots of it.

Yes, I do realize that you're only visiting the site so that you can see Kate in her bikini. But look more closely and you'll notice the site's many, many advertisements. Those site sponsors pay for space on the site and they pay more for each hit.

Your unnatural verve for everything Jon & Kate compels the site to pay the papparazi for more pictures of the Gosselin family ... so that you'll continue to visit the site ... and so that the advertisers will continue to pay (more) for advertising.

You see how that works?

I don't think so because you're allegedly against the exploitation of the kids. You want everyone to STOP making money of those kids, right? This is the very reason why the GWoP blog doesn't have any ads (yet).

Sometimes I get confused when I read all your posts with their links to justjared etc. I start wondering if its just Jon & Kate who aren't supposed to be making money off the kids.

I hope this lesson in Internet profiteering has been helpful to you.

I won't sink so low as to suspect that y'all would ever buy copies of the National Enquirer, the Star, Us Weekly, People, etc. etc. Cause if you were accidentally buying tabloids, you'd not only be padding the coffers of the very folks who are helping to exploit the children but that money would also represent food, clothing, healthcare and educational opportunities not spent on your own kids.

Tsk tsk.

Don't you worry too much though, it won't be much longer before we non- GWoPpers (sheeple) will be helping to pay for your family's health care. If all goes well on that front, you may not have to cancel your Internet access or People subscriptions afterall. And all the time you spend gawking at Jon & Kate will continue to be time well spent.

Best regards,
iwhyawli