Open Letter to Kate Gosselin

Dear Kate:

It's come to iwhyawli's attention that you "get to spend" some time tomorrow in Jon's presence as the family celebrates the twins' birthday. First of all, Happy Birthday to the twins! They're more gorgeous every day in every way. I'm sure you cannot be more proud.

Secondly, by "get to spend" I mean "must endure". This is why I write to you today. Not only can I get you through tomorrow, you'll wish everyday was like tomorrow. How's that for a fresh perspective!


You see, it's a little known fact, but I am expert in psychological warfare. My expertise is a little known fact because you simply can't *be* an expert in psychological warfare if everyone knows you're an expert in psychological warfare. Get my drift? If you have any lingering questions regarding my expertise in psychological warfare, I offer you the impact of this gwopwop blog on the GWOPPERS as Exhibit A and in support thereof. I drive them all nuts. They hate me more than they hate you. They can't get enough of me. If you could only see my comments queue. Oh, how I press their buttons! I really enjoy that.


This will sound crazy, but some of my so-called best friends have no idea that I positively cannot stand them. They make my skin crawl and yet they are blissfully unaware that I see straight through their every b-s motive. You know that saying "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer?" Rookie talk.


Don't get me wrong. I'm no phony. I'm not deceiving anyone into thinking they're my bestest pals. I'm just a nice person. I don't treat these assclowns in my life any more or less cordially than I treat any perfect stranger. They think they're my bestest friends because they never see me interact with my real bestest friends and family. They have no basis for comparison and so they mistake my everyday normal civility, as friendship. Fools. Given the opportunity to knock a few degrees off their assholiness, they have no idea I'm behind it and neither does anyone else. Rule #1 of psychological warfare: always strike from higher ground. Rule #2: strike to win.


Since you'll no doubt have trouble pretending like Jon is any old schmoe you encounter on a day-to-day basis. Allow me to share some of the easier, more entry-level rules of engagement involving someone who makes your skin scrawl. If you can count to three. You can do this.

1. "Interesting"
   
   Jon says anything (at all) to you tomorrow? In person? Via email? This is what you do. You pause. You tilt your head just so like you're contemplating the words, sorta like you actually did hear what he said. Then you count to three (silently). Maybe slowly tilt your head the other way for a second. Maybe a slight smile. Then you only say one word: "Interesting." And then you count to three again. On the third count, just carry on doing something else (ie., wiping off the counter, picking up dirty clothes, pouring yourself a cup of coffee, switch channels on the TV, excuse yourself to the bathroom, you can do anything really. Anything except continue the conversation. He's likely to try again (because remember, he's a dumbass). You always respond the same way: "1-2-3 Interesting 1-2-3." No tone. No confrontation. Experts can do this with a happy lilt that's actually believable. It's the silent treatment without having to be silent. The key is to go about your business unpreturbed. You've ice in your veins. Your mindset is: if you dropped dead of a heartattack right now, darling, I'd simply step over you.
   
   If you must, you can also substitute other non-committal words like "hmmm", "gosh", "wow", "neat", "I should take some time and google that", "that's a really unique perspective"
   
2. "That Reminds Me" followed by a complete non-sequitur
   
   When Jon says anything (at all) to your tomorrow? This is what you do. You pause. You tilt your head just so like you're contemplating the words, sorta like you actually did hear what he said. Then you count to three (silently). Maybe slowly tilt your head the other way for a second. Then you say "That reminds me" and follow it with something completely off topic like "Kelly so-and-so had the cutest dress on this morning. I'm going to ask the girls if they'd like to learn how to sew. I'd like to learn how to sew too". Count to three again. On the third count, just carry on doing something else (ie., whistle a happy tune, wipe off the counter, picking up dirty clothes, pouring yourself a cup of coffee, switch channels on the TV, excuse yourself to the bathroom, you can do anything really. Anything except continue his conversation. He's likely to try again (because remember, he's a dumbass). You respond with something relating to the off-topic (i.,e Jane makes all her own clothes).
   

An hour or two of this and he'll be stumped. Mind game!

As simple as these two entry-level techniques are, Kate, no doubt you'll still have to dig deep and find the ice-water in your veins. Do not let Jon provoke you. We already know that's his intent. Do not lose confidence. You're in the driver's seat. Don't wrestle with pigs cause you just get dirty. Good luck.

If anyone would like to role play with me via blog comments so that Kate can see how this is done, let me know. Chat might be a better way to demonstrate the techniques.... is the unofficial gwop room open?

:)