Back-to-School GWOPPER-style

It's that special special time of year when parents and kids prepare for a return to the classroom. And by prepare, I mean payment of back property taxes, school registration, medical, eye and dental check-ups, haircuts, school clothes, school supplies, negotiating the second mortgage to pay for said school supplies, and the list goes on and on and on.

I still have my Brady Bunch lunch box and thermos. It's worth a fortune I bet. Every year, I feel a bit badly for today's youth that they're too cool anymore to carry their own lunch to school, let a alone a super neat lunch box featuring their favorite TV sitcom. As a young pup, I also recall that I spent an inordinate amount of time every year selecting a fantastic oil cloth for art projects in grades 1 through 3. Oil cloths aren't on the required or even recommended school supplies lists anymore. [Andy Rooney] I wonder why that is? [Andy Rooney]. Possibly because art classes have been cut to pay for the school lunch program.

Somewhere on the official Back-to-School to-do list hopefully sits the all-important Back-to-School Conference between parent and child. This is the meeting where you and your spouse turn off the TV, pry the XBOX thing out of your child's clammy, pale hands and sit down 2-on-1 to convey your expectations regarding their conduct and performance while at school. I also hold similar meetings with each of my staff every year. We call it a "performance review."

So um, yeah, every parent does a Back-to-School Conference with their kid, right?

Certainly the GWOPPERS do this, RIGHT? It's inconceivable that they wouldn't. C'mon! The GWOPPWERS are parenting legends. The GWOPPERS wrote the book on parenting!

Surely GWOPPERS wouldn't send their kids back to school without some basic direction. The real question is--- what exactly are they telling their little miracles.

I'm glad you asked. Here are three of my best guesses:

1. Learning is entirely unimportant. What's important is that none of the other kids have anything better, more expensive or cooler than any of the complete crap you just bought for your kid. If they do, tell the kids to steal it. The best time for rifling through another kids book bag is when they are in gym class and put their book bags in their unlocked locker. If they're not bothering to lock their lockers, the stuff is free game.

2. Establishing Supremacy. Caution your kids against coming home with tales of having been kind or compassionate to anyone. If your kids plans to make his/her way in this world, their number one mission is to sniff out fear, weakness and frailty in other children and use it as an opportunity to bolster their own self-worth and sense of importance. Kids whose parents are divorcing, unemployed or have recently been arrested must be mocked. Kids in wheelchairs must always be left alone to sit on the sidelines during recess or taunted. And for god's sake, definitely make sure your kid knows how to give a good firm shove to any kids with a different skin color. It's never ever to early to teach your children racist behaviors.

3. Creativity Urges. Empower your child to resist all attempts by teachers or playground monitors to stifle their creative urges and vibrant personalities. When precious is feeling mischievous, it's not only cute but absolutely essential that he be allowed to express themselves without interference. Assure them that you and your spouse are full prepared to litigate whatever punitive consequences may arise as a result of their misconduct. As your children grow older, also teach them to recognize the types of misconduct that are most likely to win huge money pay-outs when school district personnel fail to respond to their misconduct in an appropriate manner. For best results, avoid the untested bad behaviors that may necessitate landmark rulings by the United States Supreme Court (e.g., Bongs for Jesus signs at the Pep Rally). These extracted legal proceedings only serve the delay the compensatory damages that are otherwise owed you and your little darling by the American taxpayers.


Okay, I gotta run to a meeting, but I reserve the right to add more guesses or steal yours.