So ... um, did ya miss me?

ok, Probably not.

Iwhyawli's been away for a long, long time. Almost forgot my password again. I've recieved a few emails (presumably from GWOPPERS) asking me to weigh in on expelgate, but I realized yeah, I have nothing to weigh in on.

Wait. Okay. I will weigh in.

Hey GWOPPERS, I offer you two options:

Option A: send me copies of your kids' report cards and I'll weigh in on those

OR

Option B: mind your own business.

I don't know much about expelgate except the GWOPPERS seem to think Kate is lieing about it. There's an opposing story from one of those anonymous insiders who not only knows the TRUTH but also (and not coincidentally) apparently breeds a whole lot of hatred. If I'm not mistaken, one of the little hate puppies might even be named Lil Cousin Benny.

Now y'all know that I don't have a single second of experience in school adminstration, but I am exceptionally talented in the common sense area. And I feel pretty confident that no private school is going to "expel" two kids when the parents might also opt to yank the other 6 tuitions. People willing to pay private tuition for even 1 kid is just too hard to come by these days.

So that's all I have to say about that. I'm feeling much more inclined to weigh in on the creepy WikiLeaks guy, who surely must be a GWOPPER given his love for sharing the TRUTH. I just finished reading his internet dating advertisement from 2006. BWAHAAHAAHAAHAAA !!! Too funny. If that ad didn't exactly personify the losers/serialkillers who have to find their "girlfriends" on the internet, I don't what does. When he wrote "Don't write me if your timid. Only write me if your brave." I feel certain he meant "Only write me if you're strong enough to defend yourself should I suddenly wig out and decide to cut your body up into small parts and stuff them into my mother's prized collection of felted purses."

I'm sure you'll tell me I'm wrong but I thank g_d everyday that I grew up, dated and married before this whole Internet dating thing caught on. It just seems so much easier (and safer) to leave your house every once and a while and meet people face-to-face.

Does Jennifer Grey Have a Bad Neck?

I'm not sure. She's only mentioned it 945,000 times since the last commercial break.
I'd be voting for Bristol Palin right now but abc.com is having some sort of login difficulty right Quelle surprise.

Other random thoughts:

1. Far be it from me to judge any person or any lifestyle, so I won't. But for a group of sister wives who insist their lifestyle choices make them happy and better people, they sure spend a whole lot of time crying, whining, being angry, feeling lonely, feeling confused, feeling jealous, feeling sorry for themselves, second-guessing themselves, feeling gypped, sizing themselves up, fending for their due, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. Ay-yi-yi.

Now me, I don't have any sister wives. But I also don't feel any of what they're feeling on a routine basis.

2. Skating with the Stars? Ugh. Is anyone in Hollywood familiar with the phrase "beating a dead horse?" Excuse me whilst I rush over to my copyright attorney with a few fresh ideas:

Roller skating with the Stars
Synchronized Swmming with the Stars
Tumbling Runs with the Stars
Cheerleading with the Stars
Shriner Cars with the Stars
Wii Fitness with the Stars

This show is so painful I can't believe they won't yank it off the air in three weeks.

Advice for Brandy

Yeah, I know I know. This isn't the 'DWTS without Pity' blog but I can't but help chuckle at all the worldwide outrage over poor Brandy's elimination last night.

That damn show (which I officially hate) plays people (including me) like a violin.

Don't get me wrong. I couldn''t care less that Brandy was booted from the show. I couldn't care less if Bristol Palin wins (or loses).

As soon as I heard that Bristol Palin would be on the show, I absolutely knew without question that DWTS would find a way to embroil her in some sort of nasty controversy (because they don't like her mother's politics). Afterall, Bristol is not a celebrity or public figure, or even trying to be a public figure. Not that most of the so-called stars (cough) are famous, but Bristol isn't even a reality TV person. Hell, GWOP's much beloved Jodi Krieder has been on more TV shows than Bristol Palin. Why sign Bristol before Jodi? DWTS wanted to stir the shit, that's why. The GWOPPERS are also outraged, aren't they?

Silly me. I just thought the show's attempt to slice and dice Bristol (or her mother) would surface far earlier in the season, far more overtly and obviously --- something akin to a completely disgusted Bruno giving her 2's every week and taking potshots at her mother whilst choking on his own vomit.

But to the show's credit, they were far more clever. See, they instead chose to create the appearance of cheating. Extra kudos to them for injecting race into the controversy by pitting Bristol against an African American woman.

I don't believe for a second that there was any cheating on anyone's part -- by DWTS, the Palin family , the Wasilla Middle School, the Tea Party or even Communist China. You heard me. I don't doubt for a second that Bristol got more votes than Brandy. I'll also bet money that Bristol got more votes than Kyle whathisname. I might even wager a wee bet that Bristol got more votes than Jennifer "Please Feel very Sorry for Me because my boyfriend and I one took two peoople out whilst goofing around in Ireland" Grey. Bristol been at the bottom of the judge's score board week after week. Let there be no doubt that (for whatever reason) Bristol Palin has been pulling the votes in -- lots of them. Don't look at me. I haven't voted since the Kate Gosselin season.

And how does iwhyawli know this is all a very carefully crafted controversy? Because if you rewatch the episode in the moments just before Brandy is eliminated, you'll hear that sap Brook whatshername say casually but not so casually: "while not necessarily in the bottom two, one of these two stars will be going home tonight."

"WHILE NOT NECESSARILY IN THE BOTTOM TWO?"

WTF?

If the two remaining heads on the chopping block weren't *necessarily* in the bottom two, why then choose to pit Bristol Palin against Brandy? Why not pit Brandy (who we now know did have the fewest votes) against Jennifer Grey or against Kyle whatshisface?

Hey I got an idea? Why not pit the two "stars" who actually ARE in the bottom two against each other? [horshack]Oh oh Mr. Kotter, I know why not![horshack]. Because the show wanted to stir the shit ... all at the expense of some poor girl who happens to have a mother that the liberal left (and most in Hollywood) doesn't like.

The only thing about this farce that I don't get yet is why Brook whatsherface would even announce "while not necessarily in the bottom two" in the first place. Why not just leave that whole part out and let us believe that both Bristol and Brandy were in the final two (even if they weren't)? Perhaps the show is somehow legally required to announce it when the bottom two aren't actually in the bottom two. But anyway, the very second I heard "while not necessarily in the bottom two" I knew Brandy was going home. Meanwhile, the rest of the country more conveniently concludes that voting is fixed and the dopes in Wisconsin are shooting guns at their TV screens.

And then there's poor Brandy. Another victim. 'I am numb' she says. She cannot understand any of it.

Fortunately, it's my nature to be helpful to the clueless. I offer Brandy the following advice.

1. Your ability to master a new skill (ie., dance, sing/tell jokes, bake cakes) has little to do with your success on shows that rely on viewers/fans voting for you.
   .
2. Make sure your last hit song (cough) was some time after 1998, unless you're one of the two surviving Beatles.
   .
3. Get yourself a last name. I tried to google 'Brandy' last night so that I could figure out who you were and um, yeah.... according to google, you've not yet reached the iconic status of a 'Cher', 'Prince' or 'Sting'.
   .
4. Insist on a partner who isn't Max Chmerloskywitz. If it isn't obvious by now, Max could be partnered with Cyd Charisse and still lose. He's a poor sport with a self-absorbed pukey personality who thinks he's hot but actually looks like a pastier version of the Pillsbury doughboy when standing next to someone like Chad Ochocinco. Max's only redeeming quality is that he loathes Carrie Ann "You truly moved me" Innaba.

Hope that helps, Brandy. Good luck to you. I think you're a fine dancer and a very pretty girl. Perhaps someday I'll get to hear you sing.

Who the Heck is Eric Roberts?

Never heard of him.

Be right back. I'm going to google him.

...

...

...

Oh. I get it. He is a former soap opera star/drug addict/wife abuser. And one of those Celebrity (cough) Rehab substance abuse opportunists to boot. So yeah, I totally understand why I'd be 100% interested in everything he has to say, including the judgments he passes on others who he perceives to be less perfect than him. Teach me, Eric. Teach me. After the tragic passing of Brittany Murphy's husband, Simon whatshisname, I've been lost at sea.

So yeah, Eric Roberts is officially my new mentor, and I am nothing if not a good student. I bet it wouldn't bother Eric in the least if I were to volunteer on these here internets that his sister, Julia, is a complete dimwit -- [cough]Lyle Lovett fiasco [cough] --- and worse, a hack actress as recently re-confirmed in the yawnfest titled "Eat, Pray, Love." For a long while there, I stopped going to movies because I simply could NOT understand why, in a country of 6+ gazillion women, all the leading lady roles were being given to Julia Roberts.

Nothing personal, Julia, but you can't act. You look, you talk, you laugh, you mope, you walk, you weep, you smile EXACTLY THE SAME WAY IN EVERY MOVIE THAT YOU'VE EVER BEEN IN. So please, go find Dustin Hoffman, Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, Amy Adams or even Cher for crapsake, introduce yourself and beg for an acting lesson.

It's probably not fair to crap all over Julia Roberts like this. I'd really rather crap all over Eric Roberts but other than drug addict/domestic violence kudos, there's not much there to comment on.

My feelings for Eric Roberts are perhaps best expressed in song.


"Dancing through Life"
Wicked

[taps mike ]

Mi-mi-mi.
Testing. 1-2. Testing.

[spritzes throat]

Dancing through life
Skimming the surface
Gliding where turf is smooth
Life's more painless
For the brainless
Why think too hard?
When it's so soothing

Dancing through life
No need to tough it
When you can sluff it off as I do
Nothing matters
But knowing nothing matters
It's just life
So keep dancing through

Dancing through life
Swaying and sweeping
And always keeping cool
Life is fraught-less
When you're thoughtless
Those who don't try
Never look foolish
Dancing through life
Mindless and careless
Make sure you're where less
Trouble is rife
Woes are fleeting
Blows are glancing
When you're dancing
Through life

Do Jodi and Julie have any regrets?

Sometimes when I have absolutely nothing at all to do--i.e, the kids are fed, the house is clean, the car has gas, my brows are plucked and I've applied all the finishing touches to the orchestral symphony that I'm composing in B flat-- I think about Jodi and her as-lovely sister, Julie. And I wonder if they've any regrets about their behavior, even the teeniest regret.

Methinks not. Because we haven't seen any sort of apology.

Not that they owe ME an apology, of course. No way. Quite the opposite. Being able to mock and make fun of them these past many months has provided me hundreds and thousands of hours of enjoyment. It's ME who owes THEM one giant thank-you.

I do think, however, that they owe Kate, Jon and their children an apology and perhaps an apology has been offered privately. But I doubt it. Psychopathic personalities like theirs are incapable of offering an apology. The best they can do in way of an apology or admission or guilt is to simply stop doing what they're doing .... for awhile... until they start hearing the voices again. If I were a betting woman, I'd bet Kate wasn't their first victim and won't be their last. Those two birdbrains have been avenging their fragile psyches for decades.

Because their behavior was public, their apology should be public, in my opinion. Whoosh, imagine the big money a public apology could bring! Maybe even enough to pay Gloria Allred's fees!

Hiring the farce known as Gloria Allred just may have been my most favorite ridiculous thing that those two bozo's did. It would have been my favorite most ridiculous thing even if days later Gloria hadn't elected to represent all of the hookers who were so egregiously wronged by [fill-in name of wealthy celebrity] . It's pretty tough to top the creation and sale of a tabloid video during which you whisper that your sister-in-law is a cheater. I dare say that hiring Gloria Allred may have been the only way to do that.

Sometimes when I have absolutely nothing at all to do, I also wonder if those three (ie., Jodi, Kevin and Julie) are capable of anything even more ridiculous than hiring Gloria Allred to represent the legitimacy of their motives. We'll just have to wait and see I guess. It may be mere seconds, weeks or years, but I am relatively confident that we have not heard the last of those three idiots.

Holy Crap! Kudos to the Imperfect Women

If we can believe today's story at radaronline, mucho kudos are due to the imperfect women (who really aren't that imperfect) at the Imperfect Women blog for recently drawing out Kate's mom in defense of Kate. I'm pretty certain it was that gals at Imperfect Women blog who also blew the lid off the whole pennmommy farce.

Get this everyone --- Kate's mom says Jodi, Kevin (her son) and Julie aren't very nice people.

Who knew? (snicker).


Of course, kudos also to Julie and Jodi for the smackdown Kate's mom just gave her son. It takes special, special people to intentionally drive a wedge between mother and son. Here's hoping little Benny's future wife doesn't do the same to you, Jodester. He's learned from the masters. But then, you can always hope he's every bit the idiot that you are and therefore, hasn't learned a thing.

Karma is a bish. Ha ha ha ha ha ha

I stand corrected re Bruno Tonioli

First of all, I guess Bruno's actual fake show-biz name is Bruno Tonioli and not Bruno Taglioni as written in this week's earlier posting. You see, iwhyalwi received an email from someone who was quite upset about me getting his actual fake show-biz name wrong so I hope this post does everything possible to rectify that egregious wrong. When I drafted last week's post, I didn't feel like looking up Bruno's fake show-biz name and I sorta wanted to convey my contempt for the pissant by writing his fake show-biz name as Bruno Ravioli or even Bruno Spaghettio. After pondering this weighty editorial decision for say 7.5 seconds, I decided the GWOPPERS would miss the subtley and use it to get all giddy about not knowing what Bruno's fake stage name actually is. Despite my best effort to get Bruno's fake stage name somewhat right, they got all giddy about the error anyway. Sigh.

Another GWOPPER (or more likely the same GWOPPER) also told me in a separate e-mail message that Bruno could not possibly be "the male, gay version of a GWOPPER". This is because it is Kate Gosselin who danced the worst jive in 11 seasons of DTWS and Michael Bolton's interpretation of the jive in no way shape or form sucked as much as Kate Gosselin did. Further, no one in the history of the universe has or will suck as badly on DWTS as Kate Gosselin did.

After re-thinking my original position for approximately 6 more nanoseconds, I find that I concur with the GWOPPER and wish to correct myself. Bruno Tonioli is not the male, gay version of a GWOPPER.

Rather, Bruno "I-was-a-complete-unknown-until-I-elected-to-become-the-Adolph Hitler of celebrity-ballroom-dancing-shows" Tonioli is just an all-around self-loathing, miserable cur who probably hates anyone who dares steals three steps in lieu of the statutory two. I say this and I couldn't name a Michael Bolton song if my life depended on it.


Conversely, GWOPPERS are self-loathing, miserable curs who only hate Kate Gosselin.

With respect to Tonioligate, I now only remain unsure of one thing: Who is crazier? Bruno Tonioli or the GWOPPERS.

Hmmm. Hard to say, really.